26 reasons not to date online from a males perspective. (repost)

I'm a 30 year old guy and I'm really not looking for anyone on here at all. Let me tell you why, I can tell you exactly how meeting you will go from here. You'll email, spark my interest a little bit, we'll exchange pictures. We'll then proceed to start talking on AIM or some other instant messenger. We'll have great conversations before one of us will finally bring up talking on the phone. You'll have a really cute voice and as always we'll have a great time talking. After a day or two of pseudo awkward conversation(because we're both really just waiting for the right time to schedule a date), one of us will ask the other one for coffee, dinner, a beer, or just to hang out for a little bit. We'll both get excited and possibly even a little nervous right before we meet each other. Then come the variables. One of the following scenarios is bound to happen.

A. You will look nothing like the pictures you sent because you are much heavier than your pictures let on.

B. You will have an annoying laugh and use it ALL the time. This will just piss me off.

C. You will have some physical deformity that you should have otherwise disclosed, like maybe only 4 toes or maybe you have a third nipple located right between your eyes.

D. You will have no direction at all in life, not have finished school and work in a dead end minimum wage job and want to complain about how your life is terrible when it wouldn't really be that hard to fix.

E. You will be everything I've ever wanted in a girlfriend and I will be everything you've ever wanted in a GOOD friend.

F. I'll tell an off color joke, like I usually do, you will get offended and go on and on about the plight of the type of person I just made fun of. I will inform you it was just a joke and you will tell me that "just a joke" can cause irreperable harm to the cause of their movement.

G. You will tell me you really like me, but because I'm Jewish, I will not be able to get into heaven and spend eternity with you. Besides, if we had kids how would we raise them? You want to provide our future children with a united front on religion. Oh, and fuck you because THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR FIRST FUCKING DATE, WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT KIDS AND ETERNITY.

H. You will be a vegan and hate me for eating meat. I will take you on a date and order the veal.

I. You will flat out be psychotic and tell me that everyone else is psychotic.

J. You will be depressed and SO happy that I've given you a chance and tell me that we are soulmates, we will proceed to sleep together on the first date because thats how much you love me after knowing me for 2 hours and you wont understand when I say I don't want you to actually stay the night. Or I will let you stay the night to not piss you off and you wont understand why two people who are so incredibly connected aren't talking every thirty minutes.

K. We will date for 2 or 3 weeks and every time we start making out you will deny any further advances telling me, waiting for sex is better, which while I agree with that mentality, you will start accusing me of only being interested in sex. You will forget the fact that as we're making out heavily on the couch or bed, that certain things start to happen and that, being a man, when I have a raging hardon from making out with you I am not always thinking logically.

L. You will not be cultured at all. You will have been out of the country once and try to tell me that you understand exactly what its like for me having lived out of the country for 12 years of my life. You will then proceed, everytime I talk about my childhood, to relate it to your fucking spring break in Mexico. You will then tell me you love Asian Cuisine and tell me about how you LOVE this little Chinese restaurant, it is wonderful and authentic. I will shell out 5.99 for the dinner buffet and have the shits the rest of the night.

M. You will have an STD.

N. You will find this posting offensive.

O. You will have daddy issues that stop you from getting close to someone.

P. We will date for a few weeks. You will then let me know about some other guy that hurt you that is coming back into your life, even though he won't date you. You will then dump me because he reminds you of your dad and you ALSO have daddy issues.

Q. You will have a drug problem.

R. When I do get in your pants I will find a that you haven't trimmed your pubes since you started growing them. You will then show me how cute it is if you braid them.

S. You will date me for a few weeks and then cheat on me, I will forgive you, you will swear it wont happen again. It will because you still have daddy issues.

T. You will not understand the simple things in life, like what prawn are. Maybe you will do the world a favor and stop understanding how to breathe.

U. You will be dumb. Not just slow, but bordering on retarded. Conversations with you will be like conversations with a brick. The brick will actually be more interesting.

V. You will hate the fact that I smoke cigarettes. You will try to make me stop smoking. Your whole life will be about changing me and molding me into your perfect signifigant other. Instead you should focus on not being such a controlling bitch.

W. You will get behind stupid causes that have no real relevance to you. For instance, you will want to save the snow crab and try to get me to protest with you outside of red lobster. Actually you'll probably be a PETA activist and when I tell you about things PETA does and show you documentation, you will tell me that I just don't understand.

X. You will tell me gender is a social stratification. You won't know what stratification means.

Y. You will not like my friends, I know they aren't all perfect, but they are there for me when I need them to be. You will get mad that everyonce in a while I want a boys night out, it doesn't mean I'm going looking for ass, it means I'm hanging out with the boys. You will have no friends.

Z. I just wont be into you, you wont be able to hold my attention for more than 5 dates and you will start to annoy me.

So honestly people, please don't respond to this. Don't think that you'll fall outside of this box, because chances are YOU WONT. It will be a waste of my money on the date and a waste of both of our time for however long we decide to carry the gay charade on. One or both of us will both inevitably wind up being hurt and the other one will lose a few minutes sleep over it. It's better if we don't even enter into this little dance at all.

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Eharmony

So I'm not above online dating as you're all probably aware of if you read this blog and a few years ago I decided to sign up for Eharmony.  The first time I filled out a profile was close to 6 years ago and after taking close to an hour to fill out their survey I got a notification back that they tried as best as they could, but could match me with NO ONE.  Eharmony has 20 million registered users and they had ZERO matches for me.  I guess my kindergarten teacher and Barney were right...I AM unique.  So I'd like to send out a big Fuck You to Mr. Fred Rogers...being different ISN'T such a great thing when you're 30 and single.

While I was a little down about this, I decided a few years later to try again.  This time, they found matches for me.  I even met a really great girl who lived about 3 hours away.  A little bit about her.  Her profile said she was funny, caring, compassionate, valued humor over confrontation, 4'0, red hair etc...She didn't have a picture on the site though.  By this point you've probably noticed the 4'0, clearly I thought this was a typo.  We chatted back and forth for a week before she sent me a picture.  She was in fact a dwarf.  That pretty much ended my interest (I guess this means I'm burning in hell, but let's face it, Jews don't have souls anyway).

You're probably getting tired of my endorsements by now, but I will say this, if you're going to use an online dating service, don't pay for it.  http://www.okcupid.com/ is free, used by tons of people and best of all it doesn't tell you that you're unlovable and there are no matches in the world for you.

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Creepy moments!

So yesterday I went out to meet someone from a little place I like to call the internet. She had been drinking all day with her friend and was out at a local bar. I got some drunk texts and gave this girl a call, I decided to go out and join them for a beer. When I got there, they had met a a random older lady and they were all three sheets to the wind.

Now this was the first time meeting and her friend was immediately fairly judgemental of me, seeing as I was from the net. I do understand this and it is a pretty normal response. I spent most of the time talking to my friend, when I saw the random old chick and her friend make the knife movement from the movie psycho and I knew they were talking about me. This was completely undeserving as I didn't do ANYTHING that was at all out of line, but then again, they probably figured that since they were drunk I couldn't hear them...this is because drunk people are very stealthy.

A few minutes later I said something about how "I was just the creepy guy" to which her friend replied "everyone has their role". My response? "yeah, your new friend over there is the lonely old random chick at the bar and you're the overly judgemental best friend". That made them laugh a little and they got a little friendlier.

This got me thinking about other moments where I've been judged a little harshly by random people.

A few weeks ago I was talking to another female while I was a little drunk. Now I'm not sure how exactly the conversation got to where it did, but she said "maybe you should get a mail order bride". To which I replied "Yeah, but I don't just was someone who's always going to say yes". I was referring to the thrill of the chase, but realized that I basically had told this girl that I was into rape. I understand why she stopped talking to me.

My favorite situation like this was on Purim one year. For those of you who don't know what Purim is, it's a holiday on the Jewish calendar where we celebrate the defeat of Haman. He was this guy that wanted to exterminate the Jews by turning the King of Persia against them. To commemorate this holiday Jews do 2 things.

A. They eat cookies in the shape of Haman's hat (which makes me wonder why we don't eat cookies in the shape of Hitlers moustache).

B. They drink a lot. In one book it says you are supposed to drink until one rabbi turns into another. Since this can never happen, you're just supposed to get plastered.

As I entered my favorite bar that night, I went up to a girl and asked to buy her a drink. I know it's out of character for a Jew to spend money in general, but the girl was pretty hot and I wanted to talk to her. She accepted my drink and asked what I was doing, so I explained to her what Purim was and then said that as a Jew it was my job to get really drunk that night.

Out of the blue she said "well you should stop denegrating your people".

I hadn't denegrated anyone at this point and said "first, you shouldn't be using words like denegrate at a bar. Second, when you accuse me of denegrating my people when I haven't done anything, you come off like a bitch."

To which she replied, "When I'm done with this drink I'm going to stop talking to you."

Seriously? When she's done with the drink? It's not like at this point I wanted anything to do with her anymore so I asked her for the drink back. She got offended and left.

I have more stories similar to this because as a guy hitting on random girls in a bar or on the internet there is simply no way to come off as charming (unless you have a foreign accent). I shall save these stories for a later date, but I would like to encourage anyone who has a funny story about when they've been creeped out by someone (or been marked as creepy themselves) to go ahead and submit it to 12konblack@gmail.com  You might get posted on the world wide web for at least 5 people to see.

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Because some women were upset....

With my 26 reasons post...here's from a female perspective.


I figured in keeping up with my last posting, I might as well post another A-Z blog, this time more from a woman's perspective. No, not all of these A-Z's come from my own PERSONAL experiences, but they're what I pick up on from women and their pasts.
So you meet a guy on the internet, they seem nice. They sent you an email and hey, they seem pretty cute. After doing a little dance, the guy has the balls to ask for your instant messenger name or phone number. You appreciate the confidence. They don't seem creepy when they call. They have a kind voice and can even make you laugh a little bit. You decide, "This might be a guy worth going on a date with." Throwing caution to the wind, you make plans to let the guy take you out for lunch, dinner, coffee, or just a drink. You meet up with them and one of the following scenarios will happen, like it or not.

A. They will not look anything like their picture. Those cute sunglasses in their picture were their to hide their lazy eye. Or the picture of their abs that they showed you, made you focus on the fact that they had nice abs and made you not notice that they were really only 5"4'.

B. You will try to engage them in intelligent conversation they will try to engage you in conversation about your favorite sexual positions.

C. You will sit through dinner with them and they will not pay for your meal. They will then call you everyday trying to figure out why you don't want to hang out with them again.

D. You will go on a few dates with them, the whole time they will tell you they are waiting until they find the right girl. This is just a line to get in your pants and as soon as they do, they're gone.

E. You will date them for a few weeks. You will have a bad day and come to vent to them. You will spill your heart out to them. They will be carrying on a separate coversation with your tits.

F. You will have a fantastic date, you will feel they are the perfect guy for you after one date. You will wonder why they are still on the market, they are just so incredible. You will take them home and start messing around. Your pants will come off, then his will. You will laugh at his tiny dick.

G. He will have mommy issues and be emotionally unavailable.

H. He will have daddy issues and be latently homosexual.

I. You will have seen his hot abs online and then wonder why when you meet him, he's only interested in sex. Even though he has a nice sixpack, you didn't expect he would only be as smart as a six pack.

J. You will have sex with him and he will ask you 50 times if his penis is big enough.

K. He will have just broken up with his ex girlfriend and NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HOW PERFECT SHE WAS.

L. He will make some off color joke about fat chicks who shop at Lane Bryant, you will have shopped there earlier that day.

M. You'll date for a while, one day you'll be in a bad mood. He will immediately ask you if you're on the rag. You will tell him that he's an insensitive asshole and that just because you're in a bad mood it doesn't mean you're on the rag. You will kick him out and go to the bathroom to insert a tampon.

O. Skidmarks.

P. He will attempt to tell jokes that just aren't funny, he will laugh at everyone of them. You will make a witty joke, he will not crack a smile.

Q. You'll go on an okay date, he'll call you the next day. 60 times. He will leave voicemails about how his phone hasn't been working and he just wanted to make sure you didn't call. You will call the police when you see him outside your window.

R. He will show up to your second or third date stoned. He will tell you he does it in moderation. He doesn't really know what moderation means, the pot has already fried his brains.

S. He will take you back to his place and think that even though he's 35, the beer cans that litter his room show his youthful exhuberance, not that he's an immature slob who never got out of his "college phase".

T. He will have a job as a pizza delivery guy. He will not give you discounts.

U. His idea of hanging with his boys, is going down to the local strip club and putting dollars in other women's g'strings. You'll be mad that he told you he was just going out for a beer or two.

V. He'll tell you he's going home for the weekend, by home he means to spend time with his wife and kids.

W. He'll fart in the car with you on the second date and think it's funny to lock the windows. It will be funny, but you'll be pissed off anyway.
X. He will think that he has great skills in the sack, you wont be a fan of his "jack hammer method". He will also think that the longer he goes, the better he is. You will have just had 2 hours of rough jack hammer sex that leaves you sore for a weak.

Y. He'll get pissed off when you won't even let him cop a feel on the first date. You'll wonder what he didn't understand when you said you wanted to take things slow.

Z. You will start dating him find out that he has flaws and decide that you want to be the woman to change him. He will lie, cheat, and use you and the whole time you'll still think, I can change him. You can't. You'll feel worthless and useless. You'll probably gain some weight. You'll run back to the internet to find another quality guy. Go you.

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Translations for what online personal ads really mean.

Ahh, the Internet.  Al Gore created it and people have been improving on it ever since.  With the internet being such a part of our lives these days, millions of people worldwide are signing up for dating sites and posting personal ads online.  These postings can be tricky to understand, people seem to have their own codes when they're describing what they are looking for.  It can be frustrating to people who are just entering the world of online dating.  Thankfully, you guys have me.  I have put together of some common things that you might read in an online personal ad and next to it, I've translated it into what they MEANT to say.  I hope this can help you all out.  Oh and one more thing.  Click on donate and give me a dollar.

Looking for honesty = I'm not really looking for honesty, I may weigh 300LBS, but tell me I'm beautiful.

Looking for a southern gentleman = buy me dinner.

Must have a job = I like shopping with your American Express.

I'm 18, hot and horny = I'm a spam bot.

Must be between the ages of x and x = old guys keep responding to my posts.

Not looking for NSA = married guys keep responding to my posts.
Looking for a REAL guy = I have a couple of kids.
Looking for something different = I have jungle fever.

I am picky = I shouldn't be picky I'm posting ads online.

420 friendly = I haven't had a job for more than 3 months ever.

No Peverts = Unless you're really hot.

Outdoorsy type = Can't afford deodorant.

Use of internet lingo such as "u" and "r" and "lol" = I am really 12 and am using mommy's laptop.

Looking for someone who is stable = I just finalized the divorce.

I am independant = I will cheat on you.

I figured I'd give the internet a try = There's something wrong with me and I can't meet people in real life.

Tired of only dating assholes = I place a lot of emphasis on how your abs look.

Looking for someone normal = The last responses I got were from people who LARP (look it up)

Looking for the adventurous type = Do you like anal?

This is my first time posting = This is my 100th time posting.

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