latest stand up comedy show
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Bad quality, not my best show, but I thought it was pretty funny.
WE HAVE A WINNER
Reasons that being a corporate whore is nothing like the tv show "The Office"
Friday, February 12, 2010
So, I find myself answering the question "what do you do for a living?" with "I'm a corporate whore" more times than not. The reason I say this is because I work for a giant corporation where I do something I'd really rather not being doing for a paycheck. The response I get to this is "wow, that must be just like the office". I'm here to set the record straight with a list of reasons that my job (and this may apply to your job as well, if you're a corporate whore) is NOTHING like the office.
A. The quirky boss (Michael Scott) that makes stupid decisions is also lovable on tv, in real life he's just an asshole that makes bad decisions.
B. The annoying guy (Dwight Schrute) in the office who annoys you, but is so stupid that you can't help buy laugh on tv, is actually just annoying in ways that aren't funny.
C. In a real office you get to sit in a cubicle, so there are no fun interactions with the crazy people who work with you.
D. When you do things that are crazy and ought to get you in trouble they generally DON'T really work out for the best in the end and you actually do get written up or lose your job.
E. No matter how much you wish it was true, there isn't a camera crew documenting life in the office, because no one actually gives a shit about what happens at your place of employment. This is because the things you do wont actually matter in a year.
F. Recently Dunder-Mifflin got sold and everyone at the Scranton branch kept their jobs. Kathy Bates became their new boss recently my old company got sold 50% of the employees lost their job and I took a 40% paycut.
G. No matter how much I try, I'll never be as charming or dreamy as Jim Halpert
H. I'll probably grow up to be more like Creed, even though in my mind I'm the protaganist and not a bit part.
I. If you go on a sales call on tv and make an ass of yourself, they usually still wind up buying from you. In real life if you make an ass of yourself you get in trouble with HR.
J. If you get in trouble with HR in "the Office" you usually wind up making fun of Toby Flenderson with the rest of the office. In real life you get written up or fired.
K. The hot receptionist (pam) is actually 45, fat, and has more facial hair than me.
sometimes things catch my eye...this is hilarious
Thursday, February 11, 2010
This pretty much sums up how I feel about the Twilight movies.
see more Epic Fails
One month!
I just wanted to put up a quick thank you to everyone for helping make this site as successful as it has become. A little more than a month ago I had a dream that led to the development of this website. Today it has been operational for exactly 1 month. I've had 1950 unique visitors to the site and raised just about 250 dollars from over 40 donors. In the past month I've been on a local morning radio show, almost met a porn star, and opened up two new comedy venues in Raleigh. I can promise that there will be more excitement in the months to come. Keep on spreading the word to your friends, follow me on twitter by clicking the button on the left side, and certainly don't forget to donate!
Read more...Eharmony
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
So I'm not above online dating as you're all probably aware of if you read this blog and a few years ago I decided to sign up for Eharmony. The first time I filled out a profile was close to 6 years ago and after taking close to an hour to fill out their survey I got a notification back that they tried as best as they could, but could match me with NO ONE. Eharmony has 20 million registered users and they had ZERO matches for me. I guess my kindergarten teacher and Barney were right...I AM unique. So I'd like to send out a big Fuck You to Mr. Fred Rogers...being different ISN'T such a great thing when you're 30 and single.
While I was a little down about this, I decided a few years later to try again. This time, they found matches for me. I even met a really great girl who lived about 3 hours away. A little bit about her. Her profile said she was funny, caring, compassionate, valued humor over confrontation, 4'0, red hair etc...She didn't have a picture on the site though. By this point you've probably noticed the 4'0, clearly I thought this was a typo. We chatted back and forth for a week before she sent me a picture. She was in fact a dwarf. That pretty much ended my interest (I guess this means I'm burning in hell, but let's face it, Jews don't have souls anyway).
You're probably getting tired of my endorsements by now, but I will say this, if you're going to use an online dating service, don't pay for it. http://www.okcupid.com/ is free, used by tons of people and best of all it doesn't tell you that you're unlovable and there are no matches in the world for you.
Creepy moments!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
So yesterday I went out to meet someone from a little place I like to call the internet. She had been drinking all day with her friend and was out at a local bar. I got some drunk texts and gave this girl a call, I decided to go out and join them for a beer. When I got there, they had met a a random older lady and they were all three sheets to the wind.
Now this was the first time meeting and her friend was immediately fairly judgemental of me, seeing as I was from the net. I do understand this and it is a pretty normal response. I spent most of the time talking to my friend, when I saw the random old chick and her friend make the knife movement from the movie psycho and I knew they were talking about me. This was completely undeserving as I didn't do ANYTHING that was at all out of line, but then again, they probably figured that since they were drunk I couldn't hear them...this is because drunk people are very stealthy.
A few minutes later I said something about how "I was just the creepy guy" to which her friend replied "everyone has their role". My response? "yeah, your new friend over there is the lonely old random chick at the bar and you're the overly judgemental best friend". That made them laugh a little and they got a little friendlier.
This got me thinking about other moments where I've been judged a little harshly by random people.
A few weeks ago I was talking to another female while I was a little drunk. Now I'm not sure how exactly the conversation got to where it did, but she said "maybe you should get a mail order bride". To which I replied "Yeah, but I don't just was someone who's always going to say yes". I was referring to the thrill of the chase, but realized that I basically had told this girl that I was into rape. I understand why she stopped talking to me.
My favorite situation like this was on Purim one year. For those of you who don't know what Purim is, it's a holiday on the Jewish calendar where we celebrate the defeat of Haman. He was this guy that wanted to exterminate the Jews by turning the King of Persia against them. To commemorate this holiday Jews do 2 things.
A. They eat cookies in the shape of Haman's hat (which makes me wonder why we don't eat cookies in the shape of Hitlers moustache).
B. They drink a lot. In one book it says you are supposed to drink until one rabbi turns into another. Since this can never happen, you're just supposed to get plastered.
As I entered my favorite bar that night, I went up to a girl and asked to buy her a drink. I know it's out of character for a Jew to spend money in general, but the girl was pretty hot and I wanted to talk to her. She accepted my drink and asked what I was doing, so I explained to her what Purim was and then said that as a Jew it was my job to get really drunk that night.
Out of the blue she said "well you should stop denegrating your people".
I hadn't denegrated anyone at this point and said "first, you shouldn't be using words like denegrate at a bar. Second, when you accuse me of denegrating my people when I haven't done anything, you come off like a bitch."
To which she replied, "When I'm done with this drink I'm going to stop talking to you."
Seriously? When she's done with the drink? It's not like at this point I wanted anything to do with her anymore so I asked her for the drink back. She got offended and left.
I have more stories similar to this because as a guy hitting on random girls in a bar or on the internet there is simply no way to come off as charming (unless you have a foreign accent). I shall save these stories for a later date, but I would like to encourage anyone who has a funny story about when they've been creeped out by someone (or been marked as creepy themselves) to go ahead and submit it to 12konblack@gmail.com You might get posted on the world wide web for at least 5 people to see.
Dating tips for men part 3.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Now the really hard part is done. You've finished the "pickup" and gotten past "first contact", now its time to go for the kill. You've played the game just right and you're well on your way to getting laid, which will be a nice change from fucking the inside of a dirty sock. Now you have to schedule the first date and really get her to like you. She knows virtually NOTHING about you, other than you were cute and charming when she was drunk.
Make the first date something original. Sure dinner and a movie is a decent first date, as are drink or even just grabbing coffee. All to often these dates turn into playing "20 questions". Once you've scheduled the date, don't show up. See the thing is, she probably won't show up either. Let's face it, you're not exactly as cool as you think you are, you're probably not even 1/10th as cool as you think you are. She was really just being nice so you'd stop calling her. If you do happen to show up one of the following scenarios will take place.
1. She will tell you about her ex-boyfriends and how they're still great friends. This just means that she's emotionally not ready to date.
2. You will bring up sex and she'll think you're creepy. Even though sex is on both people's minds(don't lie and say it isn't, you might just not want to have it THAT night), she will automatically think that it's all you're after.
3. She won't show up. This happens more often than you think and you're back to fucking your dirty sock.
I guess to sum the first date up, you're really better off not going on it at all. Unless you're into dating psycho chicks who are really just looking for someone to fill an emotional void that their exboyfriends and daddy have left in her heart. Do you really want to be that kind of bitch? Ask yourself before going on a date with the girl.
The superbowl party took a racist turn.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I have no idea where this even came from, but here it is.
Anything that can go wrong...
Will go wrong. Last night, as many of you know I went on a journey to meet adult film star Jenna Haze at a local strip club. As with any such endeavor I planned ahead of time and called up to find out her schedule as well as ask questions that were pertinent to my quest. So I called the strip club and found out that A. She would be performing at 10PM and 1AM and B. that I could bring a camera and take ONE picture with it.
When I got to the strip club, they asked me to empty my pockets and saw the camera, at which point I got yelled at, threatened and then finally the manager said "if you take any pictures with it, it becomes my property".
After that we waited around for Jenna Haze to get on stage, it was 9:30, so we figured 30 minutes and we would be out of there. One would think that on a Saturday night with a feature entertainer like Jenna Haze coming to the club, that they would put their best foot forward. However, of the 20 girls we saw, maybe 3 of them were good looking, the rest should have been on the B squad.
As each girl went on, I heard my friends saying "that's someone's mother". It was funny at first, until I realized they were right. Not long after I heard "that's someones grandmother" from the peanut gallery. Yep, this stripper had to have been at least 50.
As the night progressed, I got progressively more annoyed. I asked the manager when Jenna Haze was getting on stage and he said "oh, she'll be on after midnight".
Since my group had other plans we didn't stick around to see her. All I can say is that the night as a whole was a letdown, but there will be more adventures later from the super bowl.
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