First 12konblack.com podcast.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Listen to me and webpage fanatic Cortney discussing tonight's epic plan to get adult film star Jenna Haze to endorse 12konblack.com
WE HAVE A WINNER
That one time my grandma died.
So this one time my grandma died and it really sucked. HAHAHAHAHA Isn’t that the funniest story ever? Okay so that’s clearly not the end of the story. My brother and sister were coming in town so we could drive to the funeral.
When they finally arrived we all gave each other a big hug and cried for a few minutes. It’s never easy losing a loved one. We had all been up and our sleeps for the past few nights had been restless, we all knew the end was coming and to be honest, we were all just feeling a little shitty.
Before unpacking we went to grab a bite to eat, we all just wanted to be around each other. By the time we finished eating we went back to my apartment to sleep in preparation for the long drive ahead.
When I entered my apartment, I found that someone had come in and turned all of my furniture upside down. They had left things perfectly clean, but everything had been flipped. Needless to say this was NOT what any of us needed.
The only possible culprits were my neighbors upstairs. I walked upstairs on knocked on the door. I heard laughter behind the door as I they looked through the peephole. They opened up and I walked in.
I put my head in my hands, started crying and said, “who turned all of my furniture upside down?” Yeah I was probably milking the being sad thing a little bit, but I was going to teach them a lesson.
With a bewildered look one of my neighbors stepped forward, “It was all of us, you don’t have to cry about it, it was just a joke.”
“No,” I replied, “you don’t understand, my brother and sister are here and need a place to sleep. My grandmother just died.”
They laughed even harder at that.
“Yeah, we’ve heard that one before…just shut up and have a beer,” they replied.
I didn’t respond and their laughter soon turned into mortified expressions as they realized I was being serious.
“Oh shit, he’s not kidding.”
I have never seen three people move so quickly in my entire life, within five minutes all of the furniture was rearranged and everything was back to normal.
They came back upstairs and apologized profusely, I told them it was okay and that this would probably be hilarious in 5 years or something. It is.
My grandma always had a great sense of humor, I’m sure she was watching me that night and laughing hysterically from where ever dead people watch from. Rest In Peace grandma, you taught me well.
Electric cigarettes
Friday, February 5, 2010
If you haven't heard of them yet, there is a new craze hitting the market. Ecigs or electric cigarettes. Basically they nifty little fake cigarettes that have a nicotine thingy (technical term) inside of them. They deliver a blast of water vapor and nicotene into your mouth when you inhale on them.
I just bought one of these devices to help me kick the smoking habit (although they aren't advertised as smoking cessation products) and I've learned a little bit about them. First of all, they DO give you the sensation of smoking, without the terrible smells and without the terrible tastes. They do cut down on the cravings I've had for a real cigarette and to be honest, I am a fan of mine.
The only complaints I have are as follows.
#1 They take away the only benefit of smoking, because there is absolutely no way to smoke a fake cigarette and look cool.
#2 They say they are a healthier alternative to smoking because they don't contain any of the carcinogens that cigarettes do, however I find this to be only partially true. While my lungs may be healthier, I wonder how long it will be until I'm pissing blood because someone punched me in the kidneys for looking like a dick.
To get more information on Ecigs or to purchase them at a discounted rate go to http://www.njoy.com/ click on the "old website". If you decide to order them, use the coupon code "TARHEAL" for a 15% discount. This will support a friend of mine who is a reseller. I don't often endorse products, but I will say this product has been pretty good to me.
Dating Tips for Women Part 3
Thursday, February 4, 2010
So, for whatever reason you decided to allow that random dude from the bar to take you out. It's probably because you were drunk the second time he called. Regardless, you're going to go through with it. As usual the guy asks you out for dinner and you start to prepare yourself for the 20 questions game.
You make sure to look your nicest, you do your hair and makeup. The real point of this date is to make him want you even if you don't want him. When you meet him a few things could happen.
1. He'll take you to dinner. He won't ask where you want to go, instead he'll take you to a corny ass italian restaurant, split the bill, and then wonder why you don't return his calls..
2. He'll show up wearing jeans and a t-shirt while you look like you're ready to go to the prom. He will then take you to some shithole of a burger joint and you'll cry when he spills mustard on your dress. He will laugh at you and then he'll wonder why you never return his calls.
3. You guys will have a wonderful dinner, he'll invite you to his place to watch a movie. You'll actually think he wants to watch a movie...moron. As soon as you get to his place, his tongue will be down your throat. You'll leave feeling violated and he'll wonder why you never pick up for him again.
If you'll notice, no matter what you do, he's most likely creepy and all of these scenarios end up with you not talking to him anymore. My advice...accept the inevitable and buy a few cats.
.
Who's better? Pirates, ninjas or this guy?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The other day, one of my viewers had a nice conversation with her ex, I felt it was funny enough to post. It started out as him being a little whiny...all I can say after that is facebook should have drunk chat controls.
1241amJason
I want women to look at me as a complete man
I want to eliminate my weaknesses like driving and car and home maintenance
12:43amCourtney
car and home maintenance are not weakensses i haven't dated a guy yet that could handle that shit
well thats not completely true but most can't
12:43amJason
I know and that's why I must conquer them
I hate being inferior
12:44amCourtney
lol stop being such a warrior
12:45amJason
i must be, it is my nature
But I'm not defeating anything now, everything seems to be defeating me.
12:47amJason
I want women to respect my masculine characteristics
And acknowledge that I am a superior male
My age is big draw back though
12:48amCourtney
wow.
12:48amJason
I'm like Randy Couture taking on Brock Lesner
12:51amCourtney
ha!
is taht so?
12:51amJason
kind of
you don't know what it's like being in the gym with these young guys
12:52amCourtney
jay you'r enot old
12:52amJason
They're all six feet tall with their big dicks and teenage to early 20s bodies
I want to crush them!!!
12:53amCourtney
sigh
12:54amJason
i want greatness
12:54amCourtney
i know you do
12:54amJason
I can't have you anymore so I have to have revenge on the world
12:55amCourtney
ugh its not a war its a break up jay
12:56amJason
not for me it isn't
12:58amJason
you were my life and you were stolen from me
I must build myself into the ultimate man
But will it take too long?
1:00amCourtney
i think you are being ridiculous
1:00amJason
how so?
1:00amCourtney
i just think you are being exgtreme with this ultimate man stuff
just be yourself
1:01amJason
I want to be so great that no woman could ever believe another man greater
they might choose other men but objectively they'd have no choice but to acknowledge my superiority
1:02amCourtney
i've never met a person who thinks the way you do
1:05amJason
perhaps that will help me succeed
1:05amCourtney
oh sweetie
what am i going to do with you
you're a nut.
1:08amJason
you'll see. someday
1:08amCourtney
see what
1:09amJason
if I can make myself into the ultimate man
1:09amCourtney
ah
1:10amJason
i will defeat this world
or I'll die trying
1:11amCourtney
there's nothing to defeat jay no one is fighint you. there's no war
1:11amJason
yes there is
another man has captured your heart. That sounds like a war to me
1:11amCourtney
lol you're going to fight E?
1:12amJason
Not physically now, although I certainly would
Would you come back to me if I defeated him in single combat?
1:13amCourtney
NO
I do not respect that
1:13amJason
Why?
Wouldn't that show my superiority?>
1:13amCourtney
NO!
it would be stupid
you should know me better than that
1:14amJason
You respect fighting skills
What if we did it in the octogon?
1:14amCourtney
wtf?
1:15amJason
Well I'm just saying, what if we did?
1:16amJason
We could just have a knock down battle to the death and whoever wins gets you
Jason
why? That's what animals do in the wild
It makes sense
When two men want the same woman they should fight and whoever wins should get the girl
1:18amCourtney
and why isn't the girl's opinion taken into consideration
1:18amJason
Because the woman naturally is better off with the superior male
Whoever wins is the one who should get her
1:18amCourtney
wtf
1:18amJason
Just like in nature
1:18amCourtney
no, she should be with who she wants to be with and who she believes is best for HER
1:19amJason
there should be some way to show I'm superior
if there isn't anyway then it's not just not fair
1:19amCourtney
you're making very little sense. that's not how love works.
1:21amJason
I see
well I'd better go to sleep
i will prove to you and this world what I'm capable of
1:22amCourtney
ok
1:22amJason
no matter what
or I'll die in miserable defeat
Why does it always come back to dating?
Maybe it's because for so much of my life I've been terrible with the opposite sex. As a republican, I always thought I should try to date someone with a similar political viewpoints as my own. So I found a nice republican girl, only problem she was Christian. Let me just state for the record that Christian republicans aren't actually republicans. A republican is someone who believes in smaller government. Smaller government means that we should stay out of deciding weather or not gay people should get married and we shouldn't try to impose bans on abortions, these things make for larger government and are personal Christian agendas, not republican agendas. Regardless, I don't want to argue with anyone about those subjects and I wont state my view on them, just that government should but out. I digress.
Back to the story at hand, I met a nice republican girl out at a bar one night and at the end of the night we exchanged phone numbers. Somewhere throughout the course of talking through the week she found out that I was Jew...ish. This bothered her a little bit, but she said she really wanted to go on a date with me. We met up for dinner a few days later and shared a goodnight kiss at the end of the date. After the kiss she explained to me that she could never date me...ever. When I asked why, she told me it was because I was Jewish and that she wanted to spend eternity in heaven with the man she married, she also wanted to raise our children to be Christian and she just couldn't do that with a Jew. Both fairly valid points except, who the fuck brings that up on a first date? Even though she couldn't "date" me, we continued to see each other for a couple of months. We finally broke up just after my birthday because we went to a dueling piano bar and I saw her making out with one of the pianists...on my birthday...while she was on a date with me. Enjoy raising your kids with good Christian values...bitch.
That's when I decided to try and date someone with opposing political views. However, for as tolerant as liberals are supposed to be (you know, include everyone, make everyone feel like they're special) the second most of them found out I was a republican was the second they stopped talking to me. They never bothered to listen to why I believed what I believe.
I think my fondest memory of hitting on a liberal was when this really cute hippie (I know oxy-moron) turned to me randomly at a bar with her friend and asked me "what are your views on intravaginal contraceptives".
Being as we were at a bar and I didn't want to discuss the things she may or may not have shoved up her vag, I decided to make a joke (as I always do).
I said "I'm more of a fan of the pull-out method" (let's face it guys, who isnt)
She informed me that the pull-out method was only effective 10% of the time.
Thats when I asked why liberals were so for it in Iraq.
This lead to her making a disgusted "ugh" noise, turning away and not talking to me for the rest of the night.
So maybe I don't have the most tact in the world, but honestly, I just want to find a nice normal girl to date. Do they even exist anymore?
Oh and yeah, I could use a buck from you, so donate now. That way when I do meet a nice girl, I'll have money to take her out.
Bitter is better...
...I've been saying for a long time that comedy is created from pain. Sure there are some super happy comedians that write funny jokes that are super happy, bubbly, and fun; but I've never been that person. In my life I've had a lot of shit happen, some of it has been my own doing, some of it has been the trifling ho's I've dated, and some of it has been no ones fault. Fact is, that I'm bitter about a lot of it, but instead of cutting myself like a retard (no offense to people who are actually retarded), I let things out in constructive ways, I make them funny.
So from here on out, I'm just going to stick with what I know best.
Now give me a buck.
This one date I had once...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
So I remember a few years back I had a date with this girl. Now, I'm not always proud of my past (that disclaimer is for you mom), but my past is kind of funny. As per usual I took her to a place that had skeeball and laser tag, we had a blast. After we were done we went to a bar where she said something mildly insulting, I pretended to be hurt and said "oh man, now I have to go listen to dashboard confessional and cut myself". That was when she pulled up her sleeves to show me her cut marks. I responded by saying "I don't care if it is a diagnosed sickness, you're a moron for cutting yourself".
Later that night we hooked up. Gotta love girls with low self esteem.
Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?
So the other day I was in a drug store buying some flu medicine, when I noticed that they were selling Trojan condoms. I wonder how it is that Trojan condoms became the most trusted brand of condoms. Think about it, wasn't it the Trojan horse that snuck a bunch of little men in?
That got me to thinking about other ironies I've noticed in my life. We've all heard this one before, but planned parenthood, most people say it should be called unplanned parenthood, but I think the truth is it should be called planning to avoid parenthood.
Then there was this time a few years ago when I sat in on an anger management class (no I didn't have anger issues), but I did notice that most of the guys who were in there for assault on females were wearing wife beaters...nice.
Want to be featured on this website in front of about 2,000 people a month? Submit something to 12konblack@gmail.com and if it's funny enough I'll feature it on the site.
Latest testimonials!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Want to submit a testimonial? Check out the submissions link on the left hand side. Don't forget to donate.
Sorry about the snow delay...
In case you don't live in the state and didn't hear, there was quite a snowstorm here in Raleigh, NC. That means we got exactly 5 inches of snow, enough to shut the state down for about 5 days. What did all of this mean? Well I was mostly trapped outside of my apartment most of the weekend, hence there haven't been any updates to my website. Now that I'm back up and operating, I wanted to say a few things.
In North Carolina, the most annoying this about a snowstorm is not, contrary to popular belief, the fact that drivers down here don't know how to drive in the snow. The most annoying thing is actually all of the conversations I've had with people about how bad the drivers in NC are. I swear to god, I couldn't go five minutes with talking to someone without hearing them say the same thing I'd heard all day, it went something like this.
Person A: Man, 5 inches of snow is nothing we dealt with this all the time up north, people down here just don't know how to drive in it.
Me: Yeah, I used to live in the north as well, sure was easier to get around.
Person A: Yeah, A lot of it has to deal with the fact that they're just more prepared and salt the roads up there, but we just don't have the resources down here AND we have such bad drivers because they have no experience driving on snow.
Me: Yeah, I used to live in the north as well, sure was easier to get around.
Person A: I know the feeling, man up north we would have never run into this problem.
Me: (glazed look in my eye) Yeah, I used to live in the north as well, sure was easier to get around.
Now imagine having this conversation 15 times throughout the day...it's enough to make your ears start bleeding and for you to want to scream 'KAHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
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