The epicness that is today.

So where do I even begin?  Lets start by saying, check out the top left hand corner of the site.  That's right I was on the air plugging my site a little bit today.  Bob and the Showgram on G105 in Raleigh was kind enough to have me on in their studio audience and the results were pretty excellent, I hope you take the time to listen. 

That's where I met this guy

If you don't know him he was in pretty woman and he was the dad on 10 things I hate about you, his name is Larry Miller and he was pretty awesome to meet.

Being on the show gave me the great new idea of doing a pre recorded 5 minute show everyweek for the site, for your listening enjoyment.  I hope you'll check it out from time to time.

Tonight should prove to be even better as I have a stand up comedy show at Pantana Bob's in Raleigh.  Be there at 9:30 if you can make it, should be a hell of a show.

Also, we're supposed to be getting a snow "event" tonight, which means that the supermarkets are out of just about everything.  This is because for some reason, in Raleigh, if someone even mentions the words "It might snow" people become hoarders.  The good news is that my bones will thank me as I ran to the store to buy the only neccesary thing people need in snow storms...milk.  God I haven't had any since the last snow storm we had, crazy.

Anyway, look for my newest video coming tomorrow, it should be me doing some stand up. 

Last note, I'm now at over the 200 dollar mark and I only need 30 more in donations to reach my first milestone, so tell your friends all about the site and donate a buck!

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Listen live!

So, this Friday I'll be on Bob and the Showgram. This is a local radio show that spreads from Raleigh NC all the way to Greensboro. It's an awesome radio show. I'll be doing a segment called the "Friday Free For All", this is where they take a whole bunch of listeners, have them come into the studio and basically just have conversations with them the whole morning. It's a lot of fun and while I'm not there to push the site you better believe I'm going to try.


Here is the link so tune in between 7AM - 10AM on Friday Jan 29th.


Bob and the showgram


Link not working?  Go to http://www.bobandtheshowgram.com/ and click on listen.

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Cheap dates for a bad economy

Alrighty there slugger, you're ready to take on the world and hell, you want a date. One problem, you can't find a job because of the terrible economy and you're broke! But still you've found that special gal that you just can't wait to take out. Here are a list of my top 10 cheap dates that wont break your bank.

#1. No girl can turn down an old fashioned date, tell her you want to take her out fora burger and shake at this nice diner you know. Take her to the mccafe and buy her a mcdouble and mcshake.

Cost of date - $2.00 + tax (if you don't eat).

#2. Let her know that you're serious about your future with her. Take her to planned parenthood. Hey, if the date goes well, condoms are free.

Cost of date - $0.00

#3 Tell her you'd really like to take her to dinner and bring her to your parents house. Mom'll always cook you free food AND you can get your laundry done at the same time. Also doing the laundry ensures that she'll have to stick around for at least an hour and a half.

Cost of date - Having to listen to your mom talk through dinner.

#4 Maybe you're not sure if she's going to say yes, but you still want to guarantee a date. Take her to this nice cozy place called the trunk of your car.

Cost of date - 30 to life if she's not into you.

#5 Every girl likes a guy who can cook, so cook her dinner. Use cheap ingredients, but say it in French so you sound fancy. "Tonight we're having ramen au gratin ala perfeccion" Ramen and cheese never sounded so delcious, she'll love you because you're fancy

Cost of date - $1.00 (or market rate).

#6 Let her know you care and want to listen to her. Schedule an internet chat date. The upside to this first date is that if things go well you can propose online and say "I just wanted to be sweet and propose to you in the place where we had our first date"

Cost of date - Free if you have a computer and steal wifi from your nieghbors.

#7 Give her a night she'll never forget by taking her out to dinner and at the end of the night making her pay.

Cost of date - if she refuses you may have to do dishes.

#8 Take her out for drinks, when you do find out the name of someone sitting at the bar. Each time you order a drink put it on their tab.

Cost of date - a black eye if you get found out.

#9 Take her to church before sunday brunch. Take money from the collection plate as it's passed around.

Cost of date - -You can actually make money, depending on how much you take.

#10 Watch her through her window all night. Of all the dates, this one gives you the best chance of actually seeing some boobs or even getting a second date...what she doesn't know wont hurt her.

Cost of date - fighting with wildlife can give you cuts, scratches and sometimes rabies.

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Ipad preview

Well it's official, Apple has come out with their "tablet" device. Launched on Jan 27th, this new device has a lot of people asking a lot of questions. I actually had a few questions for Apple myself. First and foremost, I have to ask why? This product doesn't seem to really fit a need. Ooooh, it reads books. Yay. The kindle is a fraction the price and if you have your Iphone with it, you can do most anything that the IPad can do. However, if you have the Ipad, you can't make phone calls and still require your Iphone.

My next questions is, who were the geniuses that came up with the name "Ipad"? I guarantee there wasn't a single woman in the room when they came up with this name.

I guess at the end of the day Apple fans will buy just about anything Apple puts out there and my guess is that in a few months many of these will be Ipaperweights. I feel they should have called this product the Ifad.

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On smoking.

The whole notion of smoking is absolutely ridiculous. I've been a smoker now for the better part of 10 years and frankly I don't understand why I can't quit. I mean think about it for a second, there is absolutely NO benefit from smoking, especially when you start. The first time you smoke a cigarette, it makes you cough. It makes your breath and clothes stink. It costs quite a bit of money. It's highly addictive. It doesn't taste particularly pleasing. Oh...and yeah it gives you CANCER. Let's face it there's not many funny jokes you can write about cancer. Although I can remember a funny instance once in highschool when I was sitting around eating with my friends when someone said "wouldn't it be funny if Kevin got cancer and died?" The rest of my friends laughed hysterically for about a minute. Apparantly I could have used better friends in highschool. Anyway, I guess the point of this is mostly to get my readers who smoke to quit smoking, just think of the money you could donate to me if you were to take your cigarette money and give it all to me. Enjoy my jokes.


"I smoke because if you read the surgeon generals warning it says smoking can cause harm to your unborn children. I'm just trying to smoke the little fuck out."

"Nothing makes me more angry than when someone refuses to smoke a cigarette that's fallen on the ground. Trust me, the cigarette didn't just get more unhealthy, in fact, licking the ground is probably better for you than smoking is."

"Smoking in your bedroom is a good idea, your bed sheets double as a nicotene patch so you don't have to smoke the second you wake up."

"In Israel just about everyone smokes, but it's probably the only place that smoking saves lives. There's always so much smoke, even outdoors that it makes it harder for Hezbollah to target their missiles properly."

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State of the website address

Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you for visiting the site. I clearly couldn't reach my goals/milestones without you. In two weeks from donations and ad revenue I've made 180 dollars. Not quite on target, but the website really just started, so thanks.

Exciting news. Friday Jan 29th I will be on Bob and The Showgram's radio show on the "Friday Morning Free For All" It's not a promo for my site, but you better believe I'll be mentioning it.

Also on Friday Jan 29th you can see me perform live at Pantana Bobs in Raleigh at 9:30. I'll be doing some stand up comedy and hope to see you all out there. This is a good chance to get on the site if you want to do a video testimonial.

My next milestone is as follows.

When I reach 100 in donations (I'm at 50 right now) I will as I said, make a video of me doing a strip tease to "My Milkshake" in my Spongbob boxers. Keep those donations coming in OR donate a big amount telling me not to do this. I can be bought.

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Horoscopes by month.

----------JANUARY-------------------
You were born in January, you are probably a whore. You really love the cock, even if you are a man. Most men born in January are gay. Those who aren't are simply still in the closet. You hate jokes because you think that all jokes are aimed at your club foot, even if the joke is about a priest and a rabbi. This is because you are a paranoid schizophrenic.

----------FEBRUARY--------------------
You were born in February and you smoke a lot of weed. There is a slim chance that you were born on leap year and on the 29th. This makes you age very slowly since your birthday only happens like once every four years, and sometimes it randomly occurs like at new milleniums. If you weren't born on the 29th, you will age normally. We've already covered the fact that you're a pothead, but since you smoke a lot of weed, you'd probably forgotten that from the beginning of the paragraph. You also need a shower.

-----------------MARCH--------------------
You are UGLY. I know it sucks to hear it, but you've been denying it to yourself since you hit puberty. You don't understand why members of the opposite sex wont date you. Its not that you aren't fun to be around, its just that you are so hideously ugly that sometimes your mother thought about putting you to sleep as a child. It wasn't that she didn't love you, but come on, your face is really hard to look at. You could try plastic surgery or extreme makeover face edition, but then you would probably lose your job at the freakshow.

------------------APRIL-------------------
April is the month of fools. You are no exception. You often find yourself wondering why even knock knock jokes go over your head. Your IQ is probably in the low 30's, but your parents knew you were retarded and never bothered testing you. Life has been a lot better since they finally let you out of the basement cage you had been living in, but coping with the outside world is both frightening and confusing. Your favorite hobbies include: Getting in cars with strangers, playing with your own feces, and crossing the street when the red man appears.

-----------------MAY-----------------
May...you are a slut. You will have sex with anything that moves, it doesn't even have to be human. It's just that you like the rush of finding a new partner. Having sex validates you. You are not afraid of STD's, you've had most of them before and you 'beat' them. You know that even STD's are afraid to inhabit your dirty genital areas, moreover you don't blame them one bit. Sometimes when you look at yourself in the mirror and remember the times when you were little and weren't such a slut, it makes you nostalgic for the teddy ruxpin bear that you learned to masturbate with.

------------JUNE-------------
What can I say about you. If you were born in June you're a loser. You have no life and no friends. You would talk to your mom, but she got tired of hearing about your depressing life and offed herself. You surround yourself by cats and never change their kitty litter. You have grown accostomed to the smell of feline poo. Everyone else thinks its gross. You don't have a job, you are basically living on welfare checks and occasionally you eat a kitten for sustinance. You really need to get out more, but your skin hasn't seen sunlight in over 7 months and you are so pale that you might burst into flames if you even step foot outside. You might secretly know you're a loser, but to your cats you are a golden God. One day those same cats will feast on your remains.

----------------JULY--------------
You like to tell all of your friends secrets to random people. This is particularly annoying when you are walking down the street with your best friend and the homeless guy asks, "is this the one you told me about that has herpes?" It's not your fault that you can't hold your tongue, you have some sort of mental disorder that can't be diagnosed. You most likely got it on your recent trip to africa and it is probably closely related to ebola. Only instead of melting your insides it just makes it so you never shut your cake hole. Not only do you tell random people about your friends, you lie a lot. You lie about everything, even things that could in no way be true. For instance you have probably claimed to have been abducted by aliens or maybe you have said that you have been hiding elvis in your apartment. Most annoyingly of all though, you lie and tell people that other people like you.

------------AUGUST---------------
You should probably just go ahead and kill yourself.

------------SEPTEMBER---------------
If you were born in september it means that have are an addict. Drugs, Gambling, Sex, and Booze. It's all the same to you. Nothing thrills you more than doing all of these things at the same time. For instance, you find someone who's as dirty as Paris Hilton. You take them to a club and get really fucking drunk. Then you go back to a hotel and do a couple of lines of blow. Finally you gamble by fucking them without a condom on. Its like playing russian roulette, only with your genetalia. You live on the edge man...you live on the edge.

---------------OCTOBER-------------------
You like to dress up. This is because Halloween is in October. The sad thing is though, well...you sorta do the cross dressing thing everyday. Its okay though, because the men born in October feel more comfortable in a woman's underwear. The women born in October like stuffing socks in their crotch. The only reason you dress like this is for your mommy or daddy's approval. While your mommy and daddy don't really approve of you playing dress up, you transfer these feelings to your partners. Deep down you really just want to be loved. Be careful though of people born in May. They are sluts and will have sex with you because they are sluts...they wont really love you.

---------------NOVEMBER--------------------
You are psychotic. Sometimes you like to cut people just to use their blood to paint by numbers. It's not really that cool, but for some reason you think it is. You often daydream about doing naughty things to Dick Cheney, but you know that one day that dream will be a reality. Cheney is the only person in your life that turns you on at all and you have bought every issue of "Forbes" magazine that he is in, hoping to catch a glance of him in a speedo. You're a disgusting pig, but you're aware of the fact that you are a disgusting pig. You just can't do anything about it, so you wallow in the mud of your own insanity.

---------------DECEMBER------------------
You're one of those people who is just clueless about everything. You think you have friends, you think everyone likes you. They don't though. This doesn't matter to you, however, because no one can tell you otherwise. You always think you're right and you honestly believe you graduated at the top of your class, even though you probably only had a 1.2 GPA. You live in your own little fantasy world that you have created for yourself. You tell yourself that your girlfriend/boyfriend is the hottest thing ever, but they aren't even real people. They are fat blow up dolls that you bought at a flea market. This doesn't bug you though, because you really do believe everything you tell yourself. Kudos to you, go hit that homerun in the world series slugger. You can because you don't even have a foot planted in reality.

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Because some women were upset....

With my 26 reasons post...here's from a female perspective.


I figured in keeping up with my last posting, I might as well post another A-Z blog, this time more from a woman's perspective. No, not all of these A-Z's come from my own PERSONAL experiences, but they're what I pick up on from women and their pasts.
So you meet a guy on the internet, they seem nice. They sent you an email and hey, they seem pretty cute. After doing a little dance, the guy has the balls to ask for your instant messenger name or phone number. You appreciate the confidence. They don't seem creepy when they call. They have a kind voice and can even make you laugh a little bit. You decide, "This might be a guy worth going on a date with." Throwing caution to the wind, you make plans to let the guy take you out for lunch, dinner, coffee, or just a drink. You meet up with them and one of the following scenarios will happen, like it or not.

A. They will not look anything like their picture. Those cute sunglasses in their picture were their to hide their lazy eye. Or the picture of their abs that they showed you, made you focus on the fact that they had nice abs and made you not notice that they were really only 5"4'.

B. You will try to engage them in intelligent conversation they will try to engage you in conversation about your favorite sexual positions.

C. You will sit through dinner with them and they will not pay for your meal. They will then call you everyday trying to figure out why you don't want to hang out with them again.

D. You will go on a few dates with them, the whole time they will tell you they are waiting until they find the right girl. This is just a line to get in your pants and as soon as they do, they're gone.

E. You will date them for a few weeks. You will have a bad day and come to vent to them. You will spill your heart out to them. They will be carrying on a separate coversation with your tits.

F. You will have a fantastic date, you will feel they are the perfect guy for you after one date. You will wonder why they are still on the market, they are just so incredible. You will take them home and start messing around. Your pants will come off, then his will. You will laugh at his tiny dick.

G. He will have mommy issues and be emotionally unavailable.

H. He will have daddy issues and be latently homosexual.

I. You will have seen his hot abs online and then wonder why when you meet him, he's only interested in sex. Even though he has a nice sixpack, you didn't expect he would only be as smart as a six pack.

J. You will have sex with him and he will ask you 50 times if his penis is big enough.

K. He will have just broken up with his ex girlfriend and NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HOW PERFECT SHE WAS.

L. He will make some off color joke about fat chicks who shop at Lane Bryant, you will have shopped there earlier that day.

M. You'll date for a while, one day you'll be in a bad mood. He will immediately ask you if you're on the rag. You will tell him that he's an insensitive asshole and that just because you're in a bad mood it doesn't mean you're on the rag. You will kick him out and go to the bathroom to insert a tampon.

O. Skidmarks.

P. He will attempt to tell jokes that just aren't funny, he will laugh at everyone of them. You will make a witty joke, he will not crack a smile.

Q. You'll go on an okay date, he'll call you the next day. 60 times. He will leave voicemails about how his phone hasn't been working and he just wanted to make sure you didn't call. You will call the police when you see him outside your window.

R. He will show up to your second or third date stoned. He will tell you he does it in moderation. He doesn't really know what moderation means, the pot has already fried his brains.

S. He will take you back to his place and think that even though he's 35, the beer cans that litter his room show his youthful exhuberance, not that he's an immature slob who never got out of his "college phase".

T. He will have a job as a pizza delivery guy. He will not give you discounts.

U. His idea of hanging with his boys, is going down to the local strip club and putting dollars in other women's g'strings. You'll be mad that he told you he was just going out for a beer or two.

V. He'll tell you he's going home for the weekend, by home he means to spend time with his wife and kids.

W. He'll fart in the car with you on the second date and think it's funny to lock the windows. It will be funny, but you'll be pissed off anyway.
X. He will think that he has great skills in the sack, you wont be a fan of his "jack hammer method". He will also think that the longer he goes, the better he is. You will have just had 2 hours of rough jack hammer sex that leaves you sore for a weak.

Y. He'll get pissed off when you won't even let him cop a feel on the first date. You'll wonder what he didn't understand when you said you wanted to take things slow.

Z. You will start dating him find out that he has flaws and decide that you want to be the woman to change him. He will lie, cheat, and use you and the whole time you'll still think, I can change him. You can't. You'll feel worthless and useless. You'll probably gain some weight. You'll run back to the internet to find another quality guy. Go you.

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