Dating tips for men part 2: Phone numbers.

So you've braved the pick up line and found a girl that actually wants to talk to you. Kudos, you've made it farther than most. Now you go for the kill, you ask for the phone number, you're sure to at some point get in her pants, right? Wrong! You see, once you get a girls number, you're even more fucked than you were before. Now the ball is completely in HER court. You think she's cute so you decide to call. Wrong move, by calling you are showing that you're desperate. Why in the world would you even think about asking a girl from a bar out? That's what she's thinking at least. There has to be something wrong with you. So you decide NOT to call. Wrong move again buddy. By not calling, the next time she sees you she's going to call you an asshole for never having called. After weighing your options there are a few possible scenarios.

1. You call and find out its the rejection hotline.
2. You call and find out its a wrong number.
3. You call and she doesn't pick up, so you leave a voicemail.

Life officially sucks at this point, she will probably never call back and you'll go back to fucking your hand. She may have ruined your favorite bar, do you really want run into a bitch that gave you a fake number? You're better off not asking for her number, loser. She'll wonder why you didn't ask, think you're an asshole and by being an asshole you have more of a chance of getting in her pants, which is your ultimate goal anyway, you are a guy afterall.

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I need your help (more of your help)

I need your help to take this site viral.  If you know anyone who can post a link to my site in forums or sites like digg.com I would love to get the word out there.  Also please go vote on my video at Funnyordie.com

Lets make the site HUGE

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This one time..in high school

When I was back in high school I had a friend who was a little bit younger than me that all of the guys in my group kind of looked up to.  He was the guy that introduced us to classic rock and even drinking to an extent.  We all kind of wanted to be as edgy as him until we heard him tell us a story about smoking.

You see, at the ripe old age of 16 our friend Jared started smoking cigarettes and he had this "I don't give a shit I'll smoke where I want to" mentality.  So one day he was trying to be a badass and he lit up a cigarette in his room at home.  That's when his dad knocked on his door.  The conversation that ensued went something like this.

"Son, why is your door locked, I want to come in"

"Dad, you can't come in right now"

"Why not, son?"

At a loss for words and not knowing exactly how to get out of his predicament, he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"Because....I'm masturbating"

Now I don't know about you, but I probably would have taken my licks for smoking a cigarette rather than tell my old man that I was rubbing one out behind closed doors, but Jared decided to live with the awkwardness.  That night at dinner as he went to sit down at the table, his father looked him in the eyes and said "Don't worry about it son, puts hair on your chest".

See, I'd always hear that it put hair on your palms, but it would explain why my chest is so damned hairy.

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Milestones

People have been giving feedback and many have mentioned doing something crazy for different mile stones.  Here's the first one.

When I receive 100 dollars in donations (I'm at about 15 right now)  I will do a strip tease to "my milkshake"  Many of you will probably start asking for your money back right now, sorry, no refunds.  Also I wont get naked, probably just down to my boxers.  Regardless, if I can get 100 dollars before February I'll do this in spongebob boxers.

Leave comments below if you want to see other milestones.  Also don't forget to click donate now!

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Debt commercial

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One of the funniest things I've ever heard

Sometimes when I'm not telling my own stories, the details get a little messed up.  I heard this one from my brother about 8 years ago, some stories have a long shelf life though.

When my brother was in college he had a few roommates, one of which he didn't really like.  One day his friend, Zeke, came over and they were all hanging out.  I'm not exactly sure what they did in college at Georgia Tech, but I'm sure it wasn't anything that had to do with women. 

Anyway, the roommate did something to piss Zeke off and rather than retaliate right away, Zeke waited.  A few hours later Zeke went to the bathroom and took a shit into a plastic cup.  He then put the plastic cup under the roommate's bed.

A few days went by and the roommate kept smelling something weird in his room, of course he had no idea that the shit cup even existed.  So he kept asking people if they farted in his room.  Eventually the smell subsided, but at the end of the year when he was moving out, he cleaned under his bed and found a plastic cup filled with nasty dried up poo.

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Mall walking

I have a new pet peeve. Mall Walking. I don't really even think this should really constitute as exercise at all. I see the same people walking in the mall everyday and they're STILL all fat.

They never lose any weight, I think it might have something to do with the fact that most of their "mall walking" consists of walking to the food court in their spandex and eating a Cinnabon. Kind of defeats the purpose…

That's another thing... STOP WEARING SPANDEX! You are WALKING around a mall, not running a marathon. Additionally, the mall is air-conditioned! You aren't going to work up so much of a sweat that you need breathable fabrics. The only person losing weight from your spandex is ME (because I have to puke after seeing your thighs jiggling like that).

I don't know why people thought walking around a mall would be good exercise anyway. All you need to do is look at people who go shopping every week. Think about it, if mall walking was really good exercise, would they have to have a Lane Bryant in the mall?

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"Best of" section

I'm going to start a best of section for my blogs.  If you see a blog you like, please submit an email to 12konblack@gmail.com saying the title of the blog posting and that you'd like to see it in this section.  You'll see a "best of" link on the left hand side under links.  That's how you'll know where the funny is.  In order for an article to make it into the best of, I'll need at least 3 votes on it.

Don't forget to leave comments, vote on the poll, and click the donate button!  Also I've monetized the website, make sure to look at the ads, but don't click on them unless it's something you're interested in!

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Translations for what online personal ads really mean.

Ahh, the Internet.  Al Gore created it and people have been improving on it ever since.  With the internet being such a part of our lives these days, millions of people worldwide are signing up for dating sites and posting personal ads online.  These postings can be tricky to understand, people seem to have their own codes when they're describing what they are looking for.  It can be frustrating to people who are just entering the world of online dating.  Thankfully, you guys have me.  I have put together of some common things that you might read in an online personal ad and next to it, I've translated it into what they MEANT to say.  I hope this can help you all out.  Oh and one more thing.  Click on donate and give me a dollar.

Looking for honesty = I'm not really looking for honesty, I may weigh 300LBS, but tell me I'm beautiful.

Looking for a southern gentleman = buy me dinner.

Must have a job = I like shopping with your American Express.

I'm 18, hot and horny = I'm a spam bot.

Must be between the ages of x and x = old guys keep responding to my posts.

Not looking for NSA = married guys keep responding to my posts.
Looking for a REAL guy = I have a couple of kids.
Looking for something different = I have jungle fever.

I am picky = I shouldn't be picky I'm posting ads online.

420 friendly = I haven't had a job for more than 3 months ever.

No Peverts = Unless you're really hot.

Outdoorsy type = Can't afford deodorant.

Use of internet lingo such as "u" and "r" and "lol" = I am really 12 and am using mommy's laptop.

Looking for someone who is stable = I just finalized the divorce.

I am independant = I will cheat on you.

I figured I'd give the internet a try = There's something wrong with me and I can't meet people in real life.

Tired of only dating assholes = I place a lot of emphasis on how your abs look.

Looking for someone normal = The last responses I got were from people who LARP (look it up)

Looking for the adventurous type = Do you like anal?

This is my first time posting = This is my 100th time posting.

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The one time I was almost in a fight

Everybody knows somebody who brags about their fighting ability.  That person for me is my friend Ben.  Of course guys who brag about their fighting abiltiies always have nicknames, Big Ben was no different.  There are also stories that follow people like this around, you know anecdotes that have been exaggerated so much that they sound like legends.  I believe the first such story I had heard about Big Ben was that he beat someone up so badly that the poor guy had to be confined to a wheelchair for life.  I certainly didn't believe these stories, but I digress.

A few years back, I had just gone through a breakup and was just getting into the stage where I was ready to go out and start hitting on girls again.  Of course, I didn't want to go out without some friends.  So I called up some friends who'd been trying to get me out of the house for a while and let them know I was game for whatever.  I knew a wild night was to ensue, but I had no idea just how wild it would be.

After a few beers at our regular bar, the guys decided it was time to go to a country western night that was serving $0.25 beers.  In retrospect, I can't think of a time where mixing cheap beer and country music is ever a good idea, but I as I said, I was up for anything and I knew there would be a good amount of people at this bar.

When we got there we had a few drinks, but that's when I noticed something wasn't quite right with Big Ben.

“Hey Kevin,” Ben said, “do you see that dude over there, I saw him slap his girl last month, I was going to kick his ass but the cops stopped me from kicking his ass, it’s on now.”

I looked over at the guy sitting down at his table. Apparently he was with his “posse” too. Ben always talked a big game, but I had never seen him fight before, so I said what any guy who didn’t really think there was going to be an altercation would say, “yeah man, I got your back.”  After a few minutes of being glared at the guy stood up and came to talk to Ben.
Before I go any further, I need to fill you in on some important facts.

Fact: Big Ben is about 6’4” and 300 LBS.
Fact: Ben looks like he's just a fat guy.

Fact: This other guy was 7 feet tall and outweighed Ben by at least 50 Lbs.

Fact: I have never been in a fight in my entire life, was 6 feet tall, and only weighed about 180 Lbs.

Fiction: I could have taken either of them.


The “fighting” words started off kind of slow. I still wasn’t sure there was going to be a fight, but from the looks of this kid I wasn’t sure if Ben could take him. Sure I had heard the legends, but I knew I was about to see things in action.

That’s when the other guy’s friend stepped in. We’ll call the first one Guy A and the second one Guy B to avoid confusion. Guy B was trying to stop the fight from happening, saying that a fight didn’t need to happen here or now. Of course, Ben didn’t want to hear it. So I stepped in the middle too and squared off with Guy B. As I looked up I realized that Guy B was at least 6’6” and had about 50 or 60 Lbs on me. Ben was in way over his head and so was I.

That’s when Ben told Guy B that he was going to fuck both of them up. I got a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Was he serious? There was no way Ben was going to come out of this alive.  While he was planning his fight strategy, I was planning my escape route and funeral.  As I looked up I saw Guy B throwing the first punch. I had the sense to duck out of the way. Ben didn’t. A blow that would have destroyed a mere mortal seemingly glanced off Ben’s chin.

The next thing I knew, Ben was on the other side of the room going at it with these two behemoths. I tried to break up the fight, but they didn't even notice me when I tried to grab them.  It literally took 10 people to break up this altercation. I was preparing for the worst. Ben had just taken on two guys that could have killed me just by looking at me the wrong way. Yet there he was standing up straight.

As we rushed out of the bar Ben said, “shit, I think I lost my contact lense.”

I ran back in to the bar to see if I might be able to find it, that was when I saw the two guys that had just been in the fight.  One clearly had a broken nose and the other was sitting on the ground with a black eye.  I guess it turns out that sometimes the legends are true. 

We walked outside and I looked down on my shirt. There was a single speck of blood. It wasn’t mine. I had gotten the action I had so yearned for that night. Moreover, this speck of blood proved to me that I was now a man.

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Watch it and weep.

According to a news story run on cnn.com, people who have been watching the movie "avatar" have been facing severe depression when the movie ended.

Link to news article

Why are they feeling this way?  Many of them are tired of living on the dying planet "earth" and want to live on the pristine planet of Pandora...yes the fake planet that James Cameron made up for the movie.

Now for my favorite quote ever, this is from a user named Mike on the Avatar fan site "Naviblue"

"I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

As a comedian/blogger, things like this just make my job so much easier.

I guess I do understand, to an extent, feeling a little bit depressed after watching a movie because my real life is nothing like what I just saw.  Usually I only get this feeling after watching porn though and then remembering the most recent people I've slept with.

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Idea submissions

Hey, as you know I'm a Jew and I'll do anything for a buck.
If you want to see me do something, legal, not too dangerous, and slightly retarded, let me know.

Also if you want to make a testimonial or some other form of content for the page email it to me (for larger videos, upload it to youtube first and send me the embed link)

Submit ideas to 12konback@gmail.com and if I think it's worth a buck, I'll do it and post the video and give you a shout out in the credits!

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Random thought for the day

Today I was at work, bored, and so as usual my mind drifted to abortions.  Not about giving or getting them, but about an argument I heard once.  I was listening to the two sides of the debate in class and the pro-lifer ended his argument with this gem,  "If they're mature and responsible enough to be having sex, they're mature and responsible enough to raise a baby."

Wow, there really wasn't much of a comeback to that argument. I walked away thinking "I guess if people are gonna have sex, they're going to have to deal with the consequences."  That's when I realized how flawed my thinking is.  I don't care if you're pro-choice or pro-life, people who have unprotected sex thinking "It'll be such a hassle to go find a condom, we can risk it" or "it just feels so much better without a condom" probably aren't the people who should be raising children.

Think about it "it's such a hassle to get off my ass from watching jersey shore to take the metal fork away from the baby near the electrical outlet" or "It's easier to shut the baby up by shaking it".

Yup....great, responsible parenting!

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How to solve fertility problems.

So I've decided that even though I have no medical training or background that I am going to take it upon myself to cure the worlds fertility problems. Good normal decent people who can actually afford to have a kid and raise it properly sometimes seem to have problems getting pregnant. Think about it, how many tv shows have you watched about some rich couple trying to have kids only to find out his sperm don't work or her uterus is barren. Seeing as I see these issues on television, they must be true in the real world as well (exactly like how everything that happens in gossip girl really happens in real life). So these people who want only one kid take fertility drugs and wind up having four or five at a time.  You can see this in most lifetime movies (not the ones about teen pregnancy or wife beating )if you don't believe me. The sad thing is that when these fairly well-to-do couples have quintuplets they can't afford to raise all of them and its a giant hassle(Jon+Kate).
This has kept me up at  night lately, even though I don't want to have kids right now. I thought about possible solutions and then I realized a powerful fertility drug that doesn't often lead to multiple children at the same time. What is this drug you might ask? It's called a trailer park. Think about it. Poor people in trailers ALWAYS have kids at like 14.  It's a widely known statistic that 94% of girls in trailer parks miss their first period.  Why not harness this power for the people that want children? I think people in trailers should learn what condoms are and people who are rich and can't get pregnant should move to trailers.


Here's a graph I created to help illustrate this point.  Click to enlarge the picture.

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The worst thing I've ever done

So a few years ago, there was this guy I met. He was Jewish AND in ROTC. I was surprised I hadn't met him before, but he seemed pretty down on himself. I introduced myself and found out he lived a couple of floors above me in my dorm. Being the nice guy that I was I decided to take this guy under my wing. It wasn't long before I found out the people in his hall who were my friends referred to him as "the hermit" He spent all his time in his room on his computer. Everyone thought he was weird, but I spent a lot of time on my computer too, it was more a matter of not "playing well with others" for me, so I figured it was the same for him.
It wasn't long before I learned he was socially inept. Talking to this kid on instant messenger was very frustrating. After everything you said to him he would reply with LOL. Here is a sample conversation I just made up.

Me: Hi Mike, my grandma just died.
Mike: LOL

Here's another one

Me: Hi Mike, I just totalled my car.
Mike : LOL

Do you get the picture yet? It didn't deter me from "teaching" him how to not be such a social miscreant. I know you're thinking to yourself "get to it, what was the worst thing you ever did?" Bear with me, I'm setting this up for you. You see after I introduced him to all of my friends and my girlfriend, taking him to parties, taking him to other social events, and just making him feel more accepted, THIS asshole had the audacity to fuck my girlfriend.

You see, I'm generally forgiving, but thats not really something I could forgive, especially since the ensuing months really sucked. You see, she flip flopped between me and the douchebag for months. Had I been a little smarter I would have kicked her to the curb, but for some reason I'm a pussy and wanted to try and make thigns work. Eventually it became apparent she wouldn't choose and after two months I finally just told my ex that it was over. She got together with Mike and they were official.

It wasn't a week later that I received a phone call from commander cuntface saying "a girl shouldn't get in the way of our friendship Kevin, let's hang out". This sounded like a great plan, and by great plan I mean FUCK YOU. I told him to fuck off too even hung up on him, but like a crazy bitch he lit my phone up until I talked to him. He told me he wanted to drink with me, but the thing was he'd only ever had alcohol one other time in his life. This is when my mind started cranking out the ideas.

I pulled a bunch of my closest friends together and got prepared to drink with assbucket tainthead. We took an empty vodka bottle and filled it with water and took a full vodka bottle and waited for him to arrive. Once he did we told him we would drink 2 shots for every shot he drank. Being an inexperienced drinker, he didn't realize that he couldn't drink 12 shots of vodka in 45 minutes and not puke. I however did 24 shots of water and just had to pee a little bit. Once he puked he asked for something for his stomach, so we made him a kahlua milkshake. Then he puked some more. My friends told me to leave him in a ditch, but I just wasn't that big of an asshole. Instead we drove him to his dorm and called my ex to let her know he was drunk and probably needed her help.
She came downstairs and started hitting me, calling me an asshole for getting him drunk. Then she insisted that we go for a drive so she could yell at me in private without getting kicked out of her dorm. We did, I ended up fucking her at the bottom of an empty pool, made sure she didn't get off and then drove her home.
The next morning when the hermit called me to tell me how awesome his night was I just laughed. I told him "your night wasn't awesome at all, you drank till you puked, probably woke up with the worst hangover of your life, and oh, I fucked your girlfriend. Have a nice day" and I hung up. Poor asshole. Not really, he shouldn't have fucked with me.

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First post!

Hi,

I'm Kevin and I'm one of the dumbest people I know. Not actually stupid, but I've made bad decisions in the past. What are those bad decisions you might ask? Credit cards. In June of 2008 I got to the point where I couldn't make my minimum payments anymore and boy did that feel terrible. I signed up for a debt consolidation company and found out that I was 35,000 dollars in debt. However, I had a good job and was making decent money, so I could handle the new payments.

However, as we all know in 2008 the economy tanked and I took a 40% paycut. I was able to get my debt down to about 24,000 before the paycut, but now I'm struggling to make ends meet.

My credit card payments every month wind up being about 700 dollars and at this rate I wont be out of debt for the next 5 years. I can't afford to put more towards my debt and sometimes I can't even make the full payments.

I know, it was my fault, I'm stupid and I deserve it. I get that, but the other night right before falling asleep I had this great idea. I do stand up comedy, I've run benefit shows for good causes and other people. Why not do something for myself? A blog/video website with me doing funny or interesting things and get the users to donate to my cause.

The name 12konblack is the next part of this idea. I get 12,000 people to donate 1 dollar each (1.33 since paypal takes 30 cents +2.9%) I figure it'll take me about a year. At the end of that year I'll take all of the money I have donated, go to Vegas and put it all on black. If I win, I'm out of debt. If I lose, well...I'm sure it'll be a fun ride.

So what are you waiting for, check out my blogs, check out my videos...maybe even click on an ad (I get money for those too), but whatever you do, don't forget to click that donate button in the upper right hand corner.

GO 12KONBLACK!

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Tips for dating for women part 1. The Bar Scene.

The bar scene. A modern day meat market. Where men and women go to meet each other in hopes of finding a signifigant other, a date, or sometimes just a quick fuck. Here are some tips for the girlsys out there on how to score at least one of these possibilities.

1. Men are like dogs, only instead of bones they like boobies.
2. Act like a slut.
3. Make the first move.

This will guarantee that you'll get mcdreamy, but at least wait until his girlfriend is in the bathroom. The truth of the matter is that guys will do anything for the chances of getting a piece of ass. Keep in mind though, at a bar, if you do act like a slut you're not going to be respected in the morning. After all, beer glasses ARE very powerful and you're probably not as hot as he thinks you are.

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